


it's always you, I always knew (it's you)

by poignanced



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hope it's not too OOC, Hope you enjoy, I apologize in advance, and then just thought that writing more angst and pain would be cooler, i hope you like this, i was just gonna release one of these as a lil drabble, it's hard for me to think about this canonically, literally just four instances of massive angst, now that i think about it in retrospect, quite a lot of work went into it, since b99 canon avoids angst, so i hope this isn't like a dishonor to that work, the last is from jake's perspective, this is gonna be angst central, three are missing moments in which we see things from amy's perspective, well now i'm just babbling, which is a ridiculous thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 14:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15664839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poignanced/pseuds/poignanced
Summary: She looks at herself in the mirror. This shouldn’t be that hard. In fact, just about a year ago, she was fine by herself. Over a year ago, she didn’t feel concerned or even different when Teddy went on long stakeouts. The only time she had ever felt close to how she felt now was... when Jake went undercover for the Ianucci sting op. It shouldn’t have hurt that much back then, either. But it did, and it hurts tenfold now. The worst part is that she can picture her life with Jake ahead of them; a life of bets, working cases in bed, orange soda, and Property Brothers.And somehow, even with all of the haziness and unpredictability of their future together, even though she has no idea if Figgis will kill Jake or her or the both of them, Amy knows. She knows that this is her future. That it was always meant to be him and her, together.-in which Jake and Amy feel the brunt of loving a cop; four missing moments of angst and longing that lead to some dope relationship epiphanies(i. charges and specs & ii. greg and larry & iii. crime and punishment & iv. forever)





	it's always you, I always knew (it's you)

**Author's Note:**

> hello! welcome to angst fic central 101! this is my first true attempt at angst and a longer fic, and all of these are really meaningful moments I created for a show and characters I love. I really hope you enjoy this.

**i. charges and specs**

Amy doesn’t know how to feel the next day.

The past few days almost feel like a fever dream. Help Jake betray Captain Holt’s direct orders. Prove Captain Holt wrong. Work a case directly against the Police Commissioner’s express warnings. Watch Jake get fired from the NYPD and get hired to work an incredibly dangerous (yet incredibly badass) undercover mission. Have Jake admit that he has feelings for her... in a romantic way. _What?_

Somehow, the romantic declaration is the most shocking thing that happens in the succession of events. Amy isn’t blind. Jake is an attractive dude. And maybe in the first few seconds of when she had seen him, she might have vaguely thought Jake Peralta could be a guy that she could maybe date; then, of course, he almost immediately showed his true colors as the immature, impulsive, loud man-child that he was and every romantic notion escaped her. Whenever the thought of seeing Jake in a romantic light even vaguely crossed her mind in the past, she had immediately squashed it. Part of it was because she was convinced they could never _ever_ be romantically involved because they clashed on basically every level, but also partly (mostly) because she knew Jake would never see her that way or vice versa. Now, the premise has changed. Amy doesn’t want to be that girl who spends all night awake in bed, thinking about a hypothetical love triangle, but she can’t help it.

The next morning is rough. It’s rough because Amy literally hasn’t slept and has dodged Teddy’s texts about her canceling their date night like a madman. But it’s also rough because the desk across from hers is empty. There’s no ridiculous debate about the best cop movie of all time or a game of who can get the most pizza rolls into Scully’s open mouth while the aging detective naps at his desk. It’s just quiet.

It doesn’t help that she can see the pouring misery on Charles’s face and the quiet sigh that Rosa emits when she sees donut holes in the break room and turns back to glance Jake’s empty desk. Amy misses the way that Terry shouts “Hey, man!” at Jake when he makes a failed metaphor about racism. In a way, she thinks Captain Holt even misses scolding Jake about the messes he leaves in the evidence locker or his nearly illegible handwriting on arrest reports.

It’s just quieter.

And it’s weird, too. She doesn’t know what Jake is to her anymore. She never really has known; their roles in each other’s lives were constantly and catastrophically shifting. The truth is, Jake had always been a big part of her life from the second they had met. At first, they were vicious competitors, both jealous of each other’s unique skill set; Amy of Jake’s ability to have quick and profound case-solving epiphanies and Jake of Amy’s diligence and patience and detail-oriented analysis. Amy remembers going home after her first day at the Nine-Nine, so worked up over what Jake had said about her desk being too neat. She liked her desk neat... she never felt defensive about it... but for some reason, she cared what the 99th precinct’s hotshot young detective thought about her, even if she _was_ giving him a run for her money.

Slowly but surely, they became partners. It took a while, but Amy and Jake really just needed to get to know each other. Because, in reality, they like so much more about each other than they hate. Jake finds Amy’s celebratory dances hilarious. Amy’s stern looks at Jake when he makes lewd jokes at crime scenes can only be held for seconds before she breaks into uncontainable laughter. They’re the perfect team. Jake keeps Amy relaxed and calm; Amy keeps Jake grounded and focused. It doesn’t stop the competition. They become two of the best detectives in the precinct because of their childish rivalry, and the immature boy Amy first meets turns into a worthy competitor. He makes her... better.

Amy misses Jake so much, but she doesn’t even know why. They’re colleagues, really. They’re colleagues who are the best team and work cases through the night to get the job done. They wake each other up in the middle of the night when they think they’ve found a lead. Jake texts Amy each time he sees his old-man neighbor pick up his copy of Stationery Weekly to tease her about finding her perfect match. They split Indian and Polish takeout on late working nights. Amy texts Jake throughout her movie date nights with Teddy, complaining about Teddy’s dislike of cop movies because of the many inaccuracies. They egg each other on about everything, from how many collars they’ve arrested to how many marshmallows they can stuff into their mouths.

They’re not just colleagues.

Amy audibly gasps at her thought train. It’s embarrassing it takes her so long to realize, but. It’s been four days, and Amy misses... her best friend.

So, the six months go by and Amy is in zombie mode. She does what she’s supposed to do, so she’s not exactly suspicious, but really? She misses the man who has been billed as her so-called greatest rival because they’re really not rivals at all. She goes on dates with Teddy, she kisses him when she’s supposed to, she goes on stakeouts with Rosa and does her work as fastidiously as always, she vies for Captain Holt’s approval in her consistent manner. But in reality, as much as life is exactly the same, it’s also drastically different because she’s missing her partner and she misses the way he makes her laugh like no one else.

* * *

**ii. greg and larry**

It’s been only four days when Amy finally feels the ache. She misses his smell. His laugh. His mark around her apartment; his sweatshirts lazily thrown all over the place, the smell of his recent attempts to learn to cook food so that they can be semi-adjusted adults without the food poisoning that Amy’s cooking was bound to give them, the way he leaves _South Park_ reruns on in the background while they talk about their respective days.

She supposes this is the risk she had to take, dating a cop. She just never realized exactly how hard it would be.

She almost feels embarrassed about the way she handles him leaving. It doesn’t go well. Crying and lots of snot. Frantic sex. Crying during sex. Cuddling to stop crying. Nothing works. The truth is this: she just loves Jake so much. Too much it hurts. She’s never thought she was a girl cut out for that kind of all-encompassing love, as she’s always been someone who has put her career before all else. Jake makes her question everything, challenges everything she’s ever thought about anything. After being separated for her undercover mission, she can hardly bear being separated again, now for who knows how long. She’s embarrassed by the pangs of pain she feels at his absence. Amy wants to slap herself for falling in love with a detective who will put his life on the line to put the bad guy away; and now that he’s in the vicious gaze of Figgis, Amy can’t even guarantee he’ll make it out alive.

When she walks into work, she knows people are looking at her pitifully. Charles especially knows how much she missed Jake while she was undercover and how much it meant for her to tell him she loved him so much. Her love is bursting, but with no way to direct it. It’s awful. There’s not even much to distract her at work; Captain Holt’s absence makes the pangs all the more impactful, basically every moment of her waking day reminding her that Jake is missing.

It’s almost worse when Rosa comes over and pulls her aside to talk.

“Amy,” She starts, her hardened face slightly more open already. Amy winces at the oncoming tears she already feels at the edges of her eyes. The constant crying was getting embarrassing. “I know how you feel. Pimento being gone hurts like hell. But so does Jake being gone. He’s my best friend, and... I can’t even begin to imagine what his loss feels like to you.”

“Rosa -“

“No, let me finish,” Rosa says, looking at the ceiling and obviously fending off ugly emotion. “Amy, you’re my best friend, too. And I’m here for you.”

“I have to go.” Amy says, unable to deal with all of this. She doesn’t cry in public, she _can’t_ display that type of emotion, she’s a woman and she’s already not taken as seriously as her peers. But she can’t help it. She runs to the bathroom.

She looks at herself in the mirror. This shouldn’t be that hard. In fact, just about a year ago, she was fine by herself. Over a year ago, she didn’t feel concerned or even different when Teddy went on long stakeouts. The only time she had ever felt close to how she felt now was... when Jake went undercover for the Ianucci sting op. It shouldn’t have hurt that much back then, either. But it did, and it hurts tenfold now. The worst part is that she can picture her life with Jake ahead of them; a life of bets, working cases in bed, orange soda, and _Property Brothers._

And somehow, even with all of the haziness and unpredictability of their future together, even though she has no idea if Figgis will kill Jake or her or the both of them, Amy knows. She knows that this is her future. That it was always meant to be him and her, together.

When she gets back to her desk after a foray into the bathroom for a couple of minutes, Amy rips off a bit of paper from the arrest report she’s looking at and pulls out her favorite pen. She knows no one is watching her, but what she’s about to do feels so momentous that she takes a deep breath and looks around.

On the paper, she writes down: “Jake Peralta is the man I’m going to marry.” She marks it with today’s date, the day that Jake left her for witness protection in Florida for god knows how long. But she feels the words with the utmost conviction. She’s a detective, and she’s had to learn to always trust her gut. With her type A personality and her tendency to overthink all emotional scenarios, this has always been a work in progress; but with this hunch? She knows she could not possibly be wrong.

Later, she takes Rosa up on her offer, despite being tentative about the emotional support Rosa of all people could possibly offer her. They sit on Pimento’s bench like they’ve done time and time again, but this time, Amy tells Rosa about her undercover mission, things she didn’t quite get to tell Jake yet, like stories Maura told her about the Figgis’s operation  or the weird bitch fights between the Nazis and the Druggies. She tells Rosa that she’s gone through too many nicotine patches to count. She tells Rosa how much she misses Jake because she knows Rosa gets it.

But she decides to keep the fact that she wants to marry Jake Peralta a secret for now.

* * *

  **iii. crime and punishment**

“Guilty on all charges” echoes in Amy’s head near constantly for the next week. Every morning, she smokes a cigarette out of necessity. She stares at the empty right side of the bed.

She... wants to die.

Every single day is the same. She goes into work, and she’s launched back into time when Jake was sent to Florida. The looks of pity are back with a certain ferocity, even more intense because things are much different now. Her boyfriend, the love of her life (she has a scrap of an arrest report in her desk drawer to really prove it), is an indicted criminal, stuck in a largely unjust and terrifying criminal justice system, and there’s a good chance she won’t see him outside of bars for fifteen more years. As if life couldn’t get any more worse, Amy’s best friend is in the same exact position.

She doesn’t know if she can last this long.

She spends most of her days dazed. Every single day is a countdown to visit day when she and Charles, with surprise additions by Gina or Holt or Terry at times, take the long drive to the prison. The drive is a little painful because all she can think about is how they’re treating Jake. In her free time, she’s either working at the case or reading about prison treatment, and neither thing does much to soothe her; in the end, the additional information really just throws her into a spiral. Each car ride, she babbles useless and random statistics about incarceration and wrongful convictions.

There’s an average of 18,350 years served between exonerated prisoners. The average innocent person spent 13 years in prison before being released. 12 people die each day in a US prison.

One time, she put Charles to literal tears with bleak prison gang stories she read about from an old issue of _Time._

Her incessant need to know everything and anything has finally broken her.

She wants to die.

It’s been three weeks since the trial when Holt comes out of his office and walks over to Amy’s desk.

“Detective Santiago, a word?” He asks, flicking his head toward his office. Amy gets up, takes a deep breath, and follows him. She knows this isn’t going to go well — she’s stuck in the middle of a B&E that should be so easy to crack. Of course, Holt has recognized this embarrassing level of incompetence and wants to admonish her. Or fire her. Or kill her.

Okay, she’s spiraling.

In a way, she’s afraid that losing Jake has also made her lose her drive. Her restlessness and her inability to relax has always been a huge hindrance to her ability to win things like the Jimmy Jabs; without Jake to balance her out, she’s afraid she won’t be able to find her calm sensibility whilst working cases that has led to most of her solves.

Jake had made a home in so many parts of her life that without him as the glue, all of it is in shambles.

Once Amy is seated in Holt’s office, Holt begins to slowly pace back and forth before he stops abruptly and sits down in his chair.

So, Holt is restless, too. Finally, she feels as though she and Holt are on the same wavelength.

“Amy, I want you to know,” Holt says, breaking the silence firmly, but with a hint of vulnerability in his voice. “I will stop at nothing to get Jake and Rosa out of prison. And that... whenever you’re free, Kevin and I would love to have you over for dinner.”

“Thanks, Captain,” Amy says, gratefully, not even conscious enough to feel anxious during their interaction or be excited in the face of an invitation to a fancy dinner with her boss and boyfriend.  But her mind is already preoccupied with _Jake, Jake, Jake._ “Is that all?” Amy winces at her tone but tries to clarify what she means. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that. I’m... working on a B &E and I’m stuck and... I need to...” Amy falters, realizing now she’s willingly providing information that could lead to the same admonishment (or firing) that she had originally feared.

“Amy,” Holt says, putting his hand up to stop her stuttering. “I called you in here because I would like to lessen your caseload -“

“That’s not necessary!” Amy says, quickly. She’s starting to realize this is the fork in the road. This was her Vietnam. She can either be held back by her romance or let it invigorate and inspire her, like her love for Jake always has in the past. She couldn’t afford to get derailed like Lyndon B. Johnson.

“No, Amy, this is not on account of any of your job performance.” Holt attempt to soothe her. It really only throws her off. “You have been on par with your work as per always. It is... impressive, if not startling. I’m afraid you’re not getting enough sleep or rest.”

“I am, Captain.” But even her best poker face can’t disguise the eye bags or the frantic undertone to nearly everything she says.

Holt gives her look. “Detective Santiago, I need you to take care of yourself. But I am not an imbecile. I know it is ridiculous to ask you to sleep or take a break, so I am going to take a case off your load to work the Hawkins case. With me. And that is an order.”

Amy doesn’t even know what to say. Her eyes are darting across his face, wondering if this is a dream born out of her lack of sleep or if Holt is conducting a practical joke and this is all an elaborate prank to fire her. But then, she sees something she rarely sees. Holt is giving her a gentle smile.

“Thank you, sir,” Amy says, smiling back for the first time in what feels like forever. “I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I know this may sound weak to you... but Jake is my priority, and you allowing me to work the case at work... means the world to me.”

“Amy, the strength to love someone, despite how vulnerable it can make you, is the most powerful thing I have known. It is not weak, not even close to it. I would not spare a moment if Kevin was in this predicament, Amy.” Holt says. “So I think it would be unfair of me to ask you to make anything else your priority.”

Amy feels something inside of her click, knowing that her plight isn’t pathetic and that she is not overreacting. “I needed to hear that, sir, thank you.”

“I love Rosa and Jake. And I love you, Amy.” Holt says, steadily. Amy wishes the circumstances were better so that she could truly bask in the attention of her mentor and role model. She’s reminded quickly by her hyperventilating brain that they’re not, though. “Justice and love will win. All we need to do now is find a way.”

* * *

**& iv. forever**

The moment they both collapse onto the couch, Jake crumbles. Honestly, he can’t even help it. The tears are of their own volition, and Jake doesn’t even know why he’s crying but he _is_.

Well, he kind of knows. He _was_ wrongfully imprisoned and kept in solitary confinement for quite some time. But. Well. Jake chooses not to dwell on that.

Prison _real_ bad.

Still, _somehow_ being without Amy was worse than the physical and mental torture he was put through. Each day, every second, he wondered what she was thinking, what she was doing. Mashed potato Amy didn’t cut it. He wondered what gross food and/or sexual activity Charles had been talking about. He wondered what Captain Holt felt, if anything, knowing that two of his detectives had been sentenced to fifteen years in prison. He wondered if Gina even cared at all. He even wondered what yogurt Terry had been into at the moment.

He wondered how Rosa was dealing.

It turns out, Charles had been talking snail pie for quite some time. Captain Holt had been doing everything he could and pieced together damning evidence to acquit Jake and Rosa. Gina had visited his mother twice a week and held her while she cried. Terry stress ate eleven pounds of plain vanilla yogurt over the term of the imprisonment. Rosa was... a shut door. But even if he could learn every detail about the events of Amy’s life while he was in prison, he’ll never get back all those moments with Amy that he was robbed.

Jake turns to Amy to laugh off his tears with hardcore repression and classic coping-mechanism-humor, but she’s crying too.

“Fuck,” Amy mutters, wiping tears. “I’m not supposed to be crying right now.”

“I wasn’t supposed to be in prison for two months, yet here we are,” Jake jokes. Amy looks at him sternly, her nose snotty and her eyes red. “Too soon?”

“Yes, too soon,” Amy whispers. “Jake... I... I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry about what, Ames?” Jake says, gently, moving to hold Amy’s face in his hands, wiping her gathering tears away. His eyes move to memorize her face, out of fear that he would be taken away from her again. This hadn’t been the first time.

“I’m sorry I... wasn’t a better detective or a better girlfriend -“

“Amy,” Jake stops her and kisses her, hard, searching for her in the midst of panic, anxiety, and everything. He wants to re-remember and get lost in her. Despite the desperate urge, he realizes that there are probably more pressing matters at hand. “You’re the best detective. You’ve always been the best detective. And are you kidding about not being the best girlfriend? I never thought I’d be lucky enough to be with you. Why would you ever say that?”

“I should’ve worked the case more. I _should_ have known about the pigs. It was right in front of me, and I can’t believe I missed it and I left you in there for so long and -“ Amy is struggling to get words out over tears, her breaths labored and frantic. Jake rubs soothing circles on her back, knowing exactly how to help Amy come down from an oncoming panic attack. Amy still struggles with her breaths but gives Jake a thankful smile.

“Amy, I can almost guarantee you stayed way past overtime and worked the case almost every single moment you humanly could. Didn’t you?” Jake notes. Amy nods wearily. “And now everything is okay. You finally get a break. We finally get a break. We’re finally okay, Ames.”

“Look, I’m sorry -“

“- stop _apologizing_ -“

“No, I’m sorry for freaking out. You’re not supposed to be comforting me. It’s supposed to be the other way around.” Amy shakes her head ruefully. “You always know how to help me. I should’ve known how to help you.”

“You do just by being here, babe,” Jake says, truthfully. “I’ve never felt calmer or happier than when I’m with you, Ames. I... don’t think I could’ve survived it without your visits. You’re literally everything to me.”

Amy’s responding smile brightens the dark room. “I never want to spend a day without you,” Amy says, taking his hands into hers. She brings his left hand to her lips and kisses the back of his hand softly. Jake feels a weight he didn’t even know was there slightly dissipate. It’s there, but in that moment, nothing matters except that Amy is with him. “Just... every day I don’t talk to you or that I don’t hear your voice is awful. I... don’t want to live in a world without you. As cheesy as that sounds.”

“That was _embarrassingly_ cheesy,” Jake teases. “But the same goes for me. It’s you and me forever for me,” Jake confides, confidently. Then, he falters, “...if that’s okay with you?”

“Jake. Yes. Yes, of course, obviously. Yes yes _yes._ ”

“That’s the most articulate you’ve ever been,” Jake deadpans. “Also, for the record, that wasn’t a proposal. My proposal is gonna be so _much_ cooler. It’s going to put all other proposals to shame... I might have just set the bar way too high.”

“Not if I propose first.” Amy retaliates. “And it was not the most eloquent answer,” Amy admits. “But I mean it more than anything I’ve ever said before.” Amy abruptly pulls him into a hug, gently kissing every inch of skin she could reach.

“I’m gonna marry you one day, Amy Santiago,” Jake says into her hug, clutching her so tightly that it’s probably painful. Amy doesn’t complain. In fact, her grasp on him is just as tight.

“I’m gonna marry _you_ one day _,_ Jake _Santiago_ ,” Amy corrects, giggling a little. Jake smiles so wide his cheeks actually hurt a little. “What? Aren’t you going to correct me?”

“I’d take your name any day, Santiago. As long as I get to be with you.” Jake says, earnestly. “I love you so much.”

“I’ll love you forever, Peralta,” Amy whispers into his hair. Jake wants to keep her there forever.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading/scrolling to the end! 
> 
> hope you enjoyed this! if you do, please do leave kudos or a comment. if you didn't, feel free to let me know how i can get better! i only really wanna get better 
> 
> find me on tumblr @poignanced! always lookin to make some new b99 friendos
> 
> much love, anj xxx


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